Week 1 - "You Stand On the Edge of a Knife"

Hi, all,

So my mom asked me to do something interesting for my email subject lines — something that would give an order and character to the emails I send home. I think what I’ve landed on is movie quotes. This week’s is from Galadriel in The Two Towers.

My sister told me to be honest in my emails home. So let me be honest.

I’m not going to lie—this week has been pretty hard. The first few days were pretty good: They didn’t give us any down time—they just put us straight into class, so I didn’t have a lot of time to be worried about anything. The first two days were also full of insights to me. I filled up 3/4 of a notebook page with thoughts and concepts that came to mind. But then we got to day 3 and things got harder. I was stressed and angry. I was mostly angry with Heavenly Father. I felt like he was asking me to do something that’s way too hard for me to do—something that felt like torture. I think I was just in a lot of mental and emotional pain. Our schedule was different on each of the first three days, and so it felt like a bit of a whirlwind. I felt thrown by the wayside a little and left alone to struggle. But then we had exercise time, and I felt like I could let off some steam and run for a little while. I jogged with an elder in a different companionship, and we got to know each other a bit better. The next day I felt OK, but the next day was Sunday, and it was fast Sunday. So I was already not having a good day (I think I have a hangry gene). Basically my mood has oscillated between great and awful. It’s sort of felt like trying to balance on a slack line or something (hence the LOTR quote).

So I already wasn’t in a good mood because I was hangry, and then we went over a bunch of different missionary and MTC rules in different meetings that felt inane and foolish to me, and we spent our time in meetings that I didn’t feel like I got much out of, and I was tired enough to fall asleep in Elder’s Quorum. The day started to improve a little after we had had dinner and watched the Christmas devotional, which I felt was far more inspiring than anything else I had been listening to that day. But the thing that made the most difference was the next thing that happened.

So I have to preface the following with a few details. First, my branch president invited me to meet with him if I needed any help, especially regarding mental illness (he says he’s dealt with anxiety and depression his whole life), and so I was spending time yesterday thinking about whether I might ask him for a blessing, but I mulled things over in my mind, and I couldn’t think of a single comforting thing he could say that would make everything all right. Everything I could think of seemed like it would come off hollow. Second, when you enter the MTC, you hear one or more of three things: "Welcome to the MTC!" "Just make it to Sunday!" and when you watch a film on Sunday, "Watch The Character of Christ," which is a talk Elder Bednar gave at the MTC. Third, I was feeling a little bit like I was at the end of my rope (or the edge of a knife, if you will).

So when we went to watch the films, that's what we watched. I was really hurting and angry, and I didn't know what I could hear that would solve that problem. The irony is that it was more instruction and a call to action. In his talk, Elder Bednar talked about how Christ's character is to look outward when he himself is experiencing pain and trial. He gave the example of the imprisonment of John the Baptist. It came immediately after Christ's fasting for 40 days and his being tempted by Satan, and if you look at the JST footnote for the verses near that event, they indicate that Christ sent angels to minister to John when he was in prison. He also gave the example of Christ during the Atonement. He pointed out that on the cross, enduring the pain of crucifixion and having endured the pain of the Atonement in its fulness, he forgave his executioners, made sure his mother was taken care of, and did missionary work to the thieves who were being crucified next to him. Elder Bednar taught us that when we are struggling, the best thing to do is to be like Christ and look outward.

That was a panacea for me, and I've tried as hard as I can to implement it. When I want to be angry and feel sorry for myself, I'm trying instead to look outward and think about others, and it's working.

I want to testify that our God is a fourth-watch God (read the accounts of him visiting his Apostles on the water in Matthew and Mark). Sometimes he comes at our utmost end of need, and he saves us. And sometimes we just have to wait that long for that to happen. It's hard, and it hurts, but we learn and grow from it.

Last, I want to tell you about my companion and my district. My companion is Elder Lambert, he's 21, and he's from Elk Grove, California. So far we've gotten along really well, and I found out his favorite movies are some of my favorite movies. We've been called to be our branch's technology specialists.

Rooming with us in the Dan Jones Residence Hall (aren't we related to him or something?) are Elder De Haan and Elder Mitton. Elder Mitton is from Pocatello, and Elder De Haan and I had a good, long conversation about books in which we talked about Ender's Game and he recommended A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court to me and I recommended Mistborn to him. He seems like the kind of guy I could easily have been friends with in high school. And Elder Mitton is a super nice guy as well. He's diabetic, which has gotten a fridge into our dorm, and he got a Christmas package and shared food with every single one of the elders in the district.

The other elders in the district, the next room over, are Elders Pollan and Bird and Elders Watson and Thornley. Elder Watson is from Shelley, and Elder Thornley is from Lewisville. Elder Watson is a drama/musical/pop culture aficionado, so, again, he seems like the kind of person I would have made fast friends with. Elder Thornley's family raises draft horses as a hobby, and I feel like I've connected with him pretty well. Elder Pollan seems like he's going to be a great missionary, and he was chosen as our District Leader by our Branch President, and Elder Bird is a really nice guy who seems like he's really connected with the gospel and wants to share it with as many people as he can. On Sunday night I was smelling popcorn in the Residence Hall and saying how I wanted some, and he brought a package to our room and presented it to me. I'm not sure where he got it from, but it seemed magical.

The sisters in our district are Pitt and Pedersen and Cameron and Tua'one. Sister Cameron has said a lot of wise things, but seems like she has trouble making friends, and all the other sisters are really kind.

The elders in our room are all going to Columbus, along with all the sisters except Pedersen. She and the rest of the elders are going to Las Vegas, Nevada. I feel like we've really come close as a district. We eat lunch together and study together, and I'm going to miss them when I leave. We're hoping to share our experiences with each other as we go throughout our missions, which we can easily do with shared photo albums and things.

That's all I can fit in for this week. I hope everyone is doing well. I'd love to know about any new developments in your lives, though I may not have time to respond in any length. Please email!

Elder Gabriel Davis