Week 48 - "Who are you to lecture me about closeness? Your idea of a long-term relationship is giving your date a chance to order dessert."

Hey, everyone.

This week has been a whirlwind. I'm exhausted (and yet feeling renewed, thank goodness for preparation day, a companion who likes photography too--see the attached photos--and good friends who write to me), and I kind of don't remember everything that's happened. It's going to take me a second to go back through it all. The quote's from David Larabie in Sabrina, and I chose it because I was running out of time and because it has something to do with hypocrisy, which has a relationship with what the last part of my email is about.

Today Elder Neddo and I went to a nature reserve to practice our photography. Attached are some of my favorite images from that. He shoots with a Nikon, like the one I used back home, and I'm still getting accustomed to the feel of the Canon that I was loaned, but I'm really liking it. It's a blessing to be able to get a feel for both brands, and have so much time using both. I feel like in the future I'll be able to make a real decision as to which kind I like better.

So what all has happened this week? Well, we had a really great ward coordination with Brother Cain and the sisters and talked about the reasons members aren't motivated to do missionary work and ministering and what we're capable of doing to change that. Basically our list boiled down to these six reasons/objections: 

1. I don't have time, 

2. I'm afraid (of being rejected, of losing friends), 

3. I don't understand how/I don't know enough, 

4. I don't know anyone who I can help/talk to, 

5. I don't want to, and finally 

6. I lack a testimony of this principle/I'm not converted to this principle/It's not a priority. 

That last reason was something Sister Petersen pointed out is sometimes the real reason behind a person's hesitance, despite the fact that they make one or more of the other objections. We talked about how if someone really wants to do something, they'll do it. So I guess our problem is helping people want to do these things. I think we need to pray (and fast, if necessary) that specific individuals will receive a testimony of ministering/missionary work, invite them to reach out to the people they're responsible for, facilitate their participation in every way we can, and then see what happens.

Since early on in the week our furniture has been gathered in the center of every room and the apartment has been kind of a mess--we were asked by the housing coordinator to request that the maintenance people at our apartment do some spot painting on the walls, so we've been waiting for them to come do it, and they keep saying they will, but they keep not coming, so our apartment just sort of stays in disarray. We saw a can of paint and some brushes outside our door before we left for the library today, though, so hopefully they'll get it done soon and everything will get back to normal.

In all other respects things are pretty abnormal (and also normal?). It seems like the past two transfers something has consistently come up that's just kind of an administrative task that sort of throws a wrench in the plans I and my companion have made, and I feel like we had a number of those happen this week, though I don't remember exactly what they were. ... I've walked back through my schedule, and now I remember: It wasn't administrative stuff, we just had a lot of service this week, which is good. It's allowing us to build relationships with the members and help them out.

So on Tuesday we helped a sister move into the ward who has been away in Chicago for several years. Both we and the Chillicothe sisters went to help. Neither of the sisters have seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies, but Sister Lang, who we moved in, has a ton of books and is crazy about those movies and shares my enthusiasm and opinions about them and about moments in them, and so she, myself and Elder Neddo just sort of "nerded-out" about it for a little while when we were getting stuff out of her storage unit. We were also driven to the unit by a member who brought a trailer to tow her stuff in, and two of his kids were with him, both of whom were enthusiastic about Pokemon, and one of whom was reading a Michio Kaku book called "Physics of the Impossible" (he's probably, like, 10). So that was a fun time. I got to talk to a 10-year-old about nonfiction and other literature. We also talked about our favorite Shakespeare plays and our other favorite books. Basically it was just a day I got to be a nerd again.

Wednesday we had district council, which was really good. I felt like the discussion was led by the Spirit, and the conversation included a lot of things that the missionaries in the district needed to hear. It meant a fair amount of my plans went out the window, but that's just kind of the way missionary work is, amirite? Later that day Elder Neddo and I went to a less active member's house and helped him and an active member there replace some studs and siding on his back porch. It still amazes me how handy people in Ohio are in general. They just know how to do stuff. If something breaks, they take it apart and try to fix it. If something falls apart, they rebuild it. They don't pay someone else to do it, they just do it themselves. As I was watching someone in Warren change his brake pads a couple months ago, I said something to that effect, and he was like, "We're poor, man!" As hard as poverty is, I think the people in it learn some skills that I myself would like to have but have never had occasion to learn, living a pretty charmed life. I admire that "fix-it-up, make-it-do" attitude and the people who have it. Anyway, we ripped away the siding and the fiberglass insulation behind it and knocked and ripped out the rotted studs and replaced them with new ones. As we pulled studs out, the roof started to sag, so when we put the new ones back in, we had to lift the roof back up and shove the new ones in. Shoving that roof up to get the new 2x4s in made me feel pretty studly (I'm sorry. I had to say it. The joke made itself).

  

On Thursday we met with the elder's quorum president of our ward and talked about the needs of the members. I hope that we'll be able to work with the leaders of the different organizations to strengthen the ward, because there are a ton of people who just aren't.

On Friday we helped another member plant some mums in his front yard and a tree in his backyard. That was good. I enjoy these opportunities to help members. They're better than just dropping by and trying to see them. I don't feel like we really communicate very well how much we care about people, and when we simply serve them, we're able to show them that we care about what they care about and that we want to help--that we're not vampires just swooping down to suck them dry for referrals or something. I think if every time we met with a member we were serving them, that would be awesome. It feels good to serve them.

On Saturday we attended a trunk-or-treat that the ward was putting on, and later that night we were going to watch the adult session of stake conference, but we found out it actually wasn't being broadcast, which was a bummer. I've begun to look forward to meetings that are outside the usual schedule, because I have found that every single time, no joke, that I make a sacrifice to attend one of those meetings, I am hugely spiritually uplifted. I look at attending those meetings as a privilege now, and I think I started to have that attitude before my mission, too, but it's really solidified as I've been here. I used to just be so bummed when I found out that I had to go to the adult session of stake conference, because it meant that I couldn't play as much of that game as I wanted to play or I couldn't watch that movie that evening, or I couldn't visit that friend, and yet every time as I've gone, I've been extremely blessed and have felt the Spirit very, very strongly. Fortunately, even though we couldn't attend the adult session of stake conference (it was being held at the stake center, which is in Reynoldsburg, which is over an hour away and outside of our area), the Lord blessed me with some of those same feelings at the general session of stake conference the next day. There were some amazing speakers. I don't have my notes with me at the moment, but if I remember correctly, one of those speakers talked about patience and the importance of it, and one of them talked about how through forgiveness we can be a blessing to others, like that scripture says, "In thy seed shall all the kindreds of the earth be blessed." He said that Abraham was a blessing, and we can be a blessing to others as we forgive. 

I feel like there were a lot of profound spiritual insights I experienced throughout this week. One of the ones that was the most significant to me and brought a lot of peace to my mind came when I was reading an email from Elder Watson, from my MTC District, who is serving in the Nevada Las Vegas Mission. He was talking about the bible video in which Jesus proclaims himself as the light of the world, and when I was reading his insights, the Spirit started teaching me, and it helped me realize something: The Pharisees held to the law as the thing that saved them. To them, their obedience to the law was what brought them salvation, not Christ. Christ, who challenged their understanding of the law, is the only way we can be saved, because none of us is perfectly obedient to the law. When he forgives us of our sins, we are able to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try again. We'll fail again, but we can repeat the process until we improve to the extent that we need to. What I haven't realized as I've served a mission until now is that as much as I want to achieve perfect obedience, I haven't yet, and I continue to need Christ and his saving power. The reason that was significant for me is that I think I have a tendency to think like a Pharisee: To look at the things I've done right and see myself as above those who are disobedient, to think of myself as being superior because I adhere to a set of rules or a certain rule better than they do. I try not to think that way, but I think there's a part of me in the back of my mind that clings to that concept, and it's something I need to change. Today I learned a little about changing it. What I realized was that when I see myself being obedient to a rule or a law, I think of myself as having "made it," as it were. I think of myself as having achieved what I need to achieve, having reached my goal. That little part of me gives me a real pat on the back. What I fail to understand in those moments is that not only was coming to that place and way of being entirely contingent on Jesus Christ's intervention in my life, but that I'm not finished yet and still need Jesus Christ's help. Even if I could attain perfection, I couldn't see myself as any better than anyone else, because I didn't and couldn't get there without the power and the atoning blood of Christ. But that's not the best part: The best part is that when I came to this realization, that perfection in any aspect of the gospel, even if it could be reached, even if I did reach it, doesn't and wouldn't make me better than anyone else, and that by failing to understand that I was falling short of the perfection a part of me thought I had reached and was congratulating me for reaching, I knew that in his constancy, Jesus Christ would be there to sustain and refine me and help me become better. I feel like I'm doing an inadequate job of explaining what I felt, but it was kind of this realization, that even when I have attained full obedience to the law, I am not saved by the law--I have Christ to thank for where I am. I have no right to look down on another and think, "Why haven't you figured this out yet? Don't you understand how this works?" I have no room to cast judgment, even when I am perfect in a principle, if that's even possible. And I could come to that realization and turn around and condemn myself. "You idiot. Of course you can't be anyone's judge. You're imperfect." But that understanding was freeing, and it was accompanied by an understanding that Jesus Christ is there to help me become more like him, that as I undergo the repentance process I can be forgiven for that mistake, and if I turn to him and ask for help, I can be refined. It's like I had the hubris to think I had reached the end of my journey for some reason, and I was unsatisfied with it. The liberty was found in realizing that my journey in growth and understanding of a given principle is not over, that I was damning myself and putting limits on myself, and that Jesus Christ loves me and is going to help me improve and get where I need to go.

That's the best I can do to put it into words. I love you all, and I hope the Spirit helps this message get through to you. It made a huge difference for me.

Elder Davis